Christian Kids of the 80s

Part 3: The Rebel, Part 3a: Child Jamin

Do you ever wonder about those parents who don’t let their kids read Harry Potter, or collect Pokemon cards, because of the evil influence?  Those are my fellow comrades, raised in Christian homes in the 80s; the decade of the Duffey Strodes.  We have a whole other set of shared 80s memories, as a subculture that is almost as easily defined by what we banned, as by what we experienced.

The truly devout families avoided the world altogether, a reasonable position against anything you believe to do more harm than good.  But the more liberal, strict conservatives – like us – just put Biblical filters on what we watched.

The Occult

Demons were a big deal in our religion.  But, much like ninjas, quicksand, and the Bermuda Triangle, I never encountered them to the degree I felt I was promised as a child. So our demon-preparedness never really paid off, just like our other perpetually-practiced, and never-used skills, like, “duck and cover” and “just say no” and “stop drop and roll“.  Parents of the 80’s trained their kids for a lot of things that just never happened.

We were told that demons were almost literally everywhere, waiting to:

The Bible simultaneously told us not to fear demons (as long as we never forget the magic word; Philippians 2:10), but also to never, ever mess with them.  The story Acts 19 was a clear warning: we had the infinite power of the Omnipotent on our side, but alone, we were no match for the forces of darkness.

And losing our lives was just the beginning of our problems!  We were taught that thinking about demons – and especially being interested in demons – would make us defiled, detestable, and damned.

Leviticus 19:31 – “Do not turn to mediums or seek out spiritists, for you will be defiled by them.”

Deuteronomy 18:10–12 – “Let no one be found among you who . . . practices divination or sorcery, interprets omens, engages in witchcraft, or casts spells, or who is a medium or spiritist or who consults the dead. Anyone who does these things is detestable to the LORD.”

Galatians 5:19–20 – “The acts of the sinful nature are obvious: sexual immorality, impurity and debauchery; idolatry and witchcraft. . . . I warn you, as I did before, that those who live like this will not inherit the kingdom of God.”

So we did not engage with the dangerous topic, for fear of losing our souls.

Shows like Bewitched and I Dream of Jeanie were completely out of the question, as were blockbusters like Beetlejuice and Ghostbusters.  I didn’t watch the cartoon Scooby-Doo at home until I was an adult, but I was allowed to watch “The Wizard” at my grandparents’ house once my parents learned it wasn’t about a real wizard, but just a kid who was exceptionally skilled at video games.

So, of course, we didn’t celebrate Halloween.   Never once did we go trick-or-treating.  Sometimes our church would host a “Harvest Party” near the evil holiday, but most October thirty-firsts, our family spent the night huddled in our home, with the lights off, so as to not attract the sinful families, who allowed their kids to be led astray.

It wasn’t until I was in high school that our church finally fell in line with the Christian trunk-or-treat travesty.  But as far as I know, my kids are the only Collers to perform the demonic ritual of knocking on a neighbor’s door and asking for candy.

The exception that proves the rule: the first (and perhaps last) time we dressed up as non-Bible characters for a church harvest party.

On a note that we were not supposed to realize was related…while we were taught to be completely indifferent on the topic of demons – not curious, interested, nor exploratory – lest we risk losing our souls, we also were taught that we were not citizens of Earth, but of Heaven (Philippians 3:18-21), so we should

“Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things.” – Colossians 3:2

We read about demons constantly, but only in the Bible.  In fact, the cosmic struggle between God and the demonic forces were all that truly mattered in the universe.  We were to dedicate our entire lives, enlisted as active spiritual warriors, ever-vigilant against attacks from the enemy.

So we should think about spiritual things, almost exclusively!  …or else we won’t go to Heaven.

But we should not think about the wrong spiritual things, ever!  …or else we won’t go to Heaven.

You shall have no other gods before Me, nor make idols.

16 days after I was born, another birth took place in New York.  It started with footage of the Columbia Space Shuttle launch, followed by the words, “Ladies and gentleman, rock and roll.”  With those epic words, MTV was born. Instantly and eternally, they changed music distribution, showmanship, and even television itself.

That’s a big deal for a guy who has committed his education to telecommunications and his career to music.  It is perhaps the most common touchstone of my generation, and I’ve never seen a minute of it, to my knowledge.  Nor have I watched VH1, a similar influence, which launched a few years later in 1985, for we did not idolize.

Anything that was popular was suspect.  Anything that ‘the world’ loved, we shunned.  Everything they worshipped, we abhorred.

Do not love this world nor the things it offers you, for when you love the world, you do not have the love of the Father in you. – 1 John 2:15

This is why I never listened to the Beatles until I was in my 30s.  The same goes for Madonna, Prince, U2, Bruce Springsteen, and even Michael Jackson.  I grew up in the 80s, but I only knew of the New Kids on the Block from the brief spots they had on the Disney Channel while I was at my grandparents’ house.

And the first time I heard the name Molly Ringwald was when I played a duet with her dad in the Sacramento Jazz Jubilee in the mid-90’s.  My “oh, that’s nice,” must have been the most underwhelming response he had ever gotten from his proud papa brag.  But I had never seen one of her movies.  In my defense, neither had he.

We just didn’t idolize.  Or so we thought.  We acknowledged the legitimacy of the pedestals we thought belonged to God, just not the world’s.  (As you can imagine, when the show “American Idol” came along, the sin was so obvious, it might as well have been named “American Mark of the Beast.”)

You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain.

Darn, dang, gosh, shoot, golly, heck, geez.  If George Carlin had been a Coller, that would have been his list.  We didn’t curse or swear or cuss.  We didn’t mouth the words, and we didn’t use substitutes.  And we didn’t tolerate the TV, movies, books or movies that did either.

In fact, even the phrase “I swear” was a punishable swear word, since Matthew 5:34 forbade any promise that was stronger than “Yes”, nor any denial beyond the word, “No”.  As a child, I often feared that I would some day be called to the witness stand in trial and be forced to choose between my Lord and my civic duty, as they attempted to get me to say the phrase, “I solemnly swear…”

If we ran into a word in a book that broke our interpretation of these commandments, we could take it to our parents who used the Sharpie of purification to sanctify our literature.  But any book that required too much intervention was tossed.  No story was worth our souls.

Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy.

This meant we “rested” on Sunday, taking a break from even innocent endeavors.  Of course, as a pastor’s family, Sunday was our most tiring day, with early morning service, fellowship lunch in the afternoon, and a second service at night.  It was a minister’s marathon, requiring my dad to regularly take off Mondays to recuperate.

But as exhausting as it was, none of it broke the resting rule, because “ministry is not work; it’s a privilege.”  It’s refreshing to work for God, we were told, if you do it with the right heart.  But hanging out with friends at the movies?  Even a wholesome movie?  That would not be resting, and would be disrespectful to God.

Honor your father and your mother.

This one showed up a lot.  In the decade defined by Ferris Bueller and Bart Simpson, there was a lot we couldn’t watch.  We didn’t even buy Butterfingers for a long time, in protest of their disrespectful spokesperson).  Family Ties and Different Strokes; Alf and Happy Days – all too un-honoring of parents to make it into our living room.  Conservative parents of the 80s seemed to have a hard time distinguishing between sarcasm and disrespect, and our family played it safe on this one.

Music too.  Any song or band that had any kind of rebellious vibe was disqualified from the blessings of God.  That was literally all of them.  Search for “popular bands of the 80s” and I guarantee – I never listened to any of them.  Any of them.

You shall not murder, commit adultery, steal, lie, nor covet.

At a certain point, my parents didn’t really need a good reason to ban something, just an uneasy feeling.  Now that I’m a parent, I get it.  We’re making this crap up as we go.  But that’s what I tell my kids:

“Sorry.  I can’t really explain why, but it’s my job to make a decision, and this is the best, terrible decision I can make with the information I have.  When you’re in charge, you’ll have to make terrible decisions too.  Sorry.  I swear I’m doing my best, I know it sucks sometimes, and I’m not just trying to torture you.  Also, don’t say ‘sucks’.”

This was not the gray response I received as a child.  Sin was sin, and holiness was Holy, and it was easy to tell the difference for anyone who cared to.  Righteousness begets righteousness, from glory to glory (2 Cor 3:18).  After all,

…as [a man] thinketh in his heart, so is he… – Proverbs 23:7

Ultimately, this just meant immediately acquiescing to whatever baloney answer my parents guessed confidently.  It was acceptable to ask about fringe cases, but pleading a case after the content had been deemed “bad” was cause for alarm.  My questioning was probably disrespectful, and my parents would probe for which part of my life to restrict, “Which of your friends told you about that?  What show did you see that on?  Who talks like that? Is this how you act when we let you play too many video games?”  Anything I liked – toys, friends, games, shows – it could all be ‘found’ to be the cause of any undesirable trait, so it was best to just not question their judgement.

So the censors censored, unchecked, filtering out anything that glorified sin.  Alfred Hitchcock Presents glorified gore, Miami Vice glorified crime, and Three’s Company starred Suzanne Somers, who had glorious boobs (though I’m guessing that was probably about 70% God’s fault).

But in our house, “glorified” really just meant “included.”  Even most media that downplayed the glory of worldly things were not allowed, if it depicted them accurately.

Never mind that every one of our beloved Bible stories were extreme examples of breaking every one of the commandments.  The stories of rape, murder and disobedience in the Bible were Holy; any such stories from Hollywood were just wholly degenerative.

We didn’t even associate with people who were willing to indulge in smut like Risky Business, Footloose, or Grease.  Some people are too far gone, even for God.  (In fact, I have no gauge for how ridiculous these statements are, since I still haven’t seen any of those movies to this day.  Only this last year did I watch The Godfather for the first time.  It was decent. 7/10.)

We didn’t spend much time distinguishing between the different genres of “unholy” either, so while I might have recognized the names of evil doers, I didn’t usually know what evil they were doing.  Charles Manson – Marilyn Manson – Marilyn Monroe – same difference.

The first time I really listened to a Journey song, I was in my 30s, transcribing it for an elementary-age garage band.  They seemed doubtful that I could do it, so I tried to convince them that I was up to the job.  I thought the name of the song was “Journey”, and it wasn’t until I started transcribing the chorus that I understood why the kids had continually encouraged me to not stop believing.

I only knew names like AC/DC or Kiss from the few minutes I had seen of the Christian shockumentary “Hell’s Bells: Dangers of Rock ‘N Roll“. Ultimately, my parents decided the content was too adult for me, but they kept a copy of the restricted film in the church library to educate parents how to protect their kids kids.

So when I went to a friend’s house to play as a pre-teen, I was saddened to see a Guns ‘n Roses poster on his wall of his room.  I only vaguely knew the name.  I couldn’t remember if it was a movie or a band, but looking at the logo saddened me.  I was saddened that we couldn’t be friends anymore, but I was more sad that I would not get to see him again in Heaven.

A week later, the whole picture came together when I saw his dad smoking a cigar in their back yard.  My friend wasn’t just a rebellious kid; the whole family was un-Christian.  A few months later, the family angrily left the church, and Ryan and I were told how dangerous they all were; to run away and scream if we ever saw them.  My parents didn’t need to say much.  We had already seen the signs.

I did once hear Pete Seeger on a Sesame Street album, singing “Garbage” and “Guantanamera“.  But generally, un-American sinners (a redundant label in our subculture) like him or Bob Dylan had no place in our home.  America was God’s modern Promised Land, our leaders were directed by God, and our wars were Holy wars.  On this basis, even moderate pacifists like Peter, Paul and Mary were kept off our hi-fi (again, I really have no idea what I’m talking about).

Nowadays, part of the fun of meeting someone who grew up in that kind of home is comparing notes on which things were banned in each home.   We were told that certain things “obviously glorify [bad trait]”, but those were apparently only ‘obvious’ within our tiny communities.  So our adult conversations usually go something like,

“Wait – you collected Trolls!?  But those are little demons!?”

“So?  You guys watched the Smurfs!  And that has an actual witch in it!”

As kids, we would have prayed for each other every night.

Virtue

Instead of the world’s entertainment, we had “alternative entertainment”, the pièce de résistance of any thriving subculture.

“Whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.” – Philippians 4:8

Acceptable reading materials were easy to find, because Christians had already been writing children’s books for centuries.  From the Pilgrim’s Progress era through the Chronicles of Narnia, and up to more modern tomes, like “Peanut Butter and Jelly Secrets“, we had no lack of compelling, Christian literature.

Admittedly, the Christian multimedia scene was rough in the early 80s.  We had Dan Betzer‘s ventriloquism, and Davey and Goliath‘s stop motion animation.  But fortunately, as the decade wore on, the quality improved exponentially.

As exciting as the 80s were for the counter-culture, it was just as energized in the counter-counter-culture.

The religious generations that followed us would be given Veggie Tales, Adventures In Odyssey, McGee and Me, Secret Adventures, and The Last Chance Detectives.  But the genre was built with my generation’s feedback on the test materials of Gospel Bill, Gerbert, Joy Junction, and Fire By Nite.  You’re welcome.

In Hanna-Barbera’s “The Greatest Adventure“, we followed Moki, Derek, and Margo for a first realistic-ish look at what it must have been like to be alive in the Bible days, the struggles and conflicts they faced in obeying God.  And Superbook may have been one of the first anime-style cartoons in America.

Meanwhile, Billy Graham’s World Wide Pictures was getting the hang of cheesy movie-making (most notably with “The Hiding Place” in 1975).  The more family-friendly short film, “The Music Box” was released in 1980, and more film makers followed suit, shooting Christian movies for kids.  “Hoomania“, a movie about a kid getting trapped in a board game, was released in 1985, and blew out of the water the previous Christian standby “Happiness Is” (from 1975).

Psalty and Colby combined stories, songs, and Bible verses with a genre of children’s choirs that would later evolve into Cedarmont Kids and Hillsongs Kids.

And you may have heard of Lauren Daigle, Toby Mac, or Chris Tomlin, but they owe a debt of gratitude to the pioneers like Russ Taff, Leon Patillo, and Rich Mullins – all superior artists, from my perspective…and I don’t even like their music.  But no one beats the earnestness of Christian artists from the 80s.

There was little-to-no money to be made in the non-existent Christian music industry of the 80s.  In that way, listening to the founders, like Michael English, Keith Green, or John Michael Talbot is like listening to the early jazz artists – sure, someone had pressed the “record” button in the studio, but none of the performers had any pretense of becoming a star.  It was just a pure expression from their soul.

(Outside of that one, small comparison, please never mention that I compared 80’s Christian pop to early jazz.)

David Meece, Michael Card, and Ray Boltz – all poets.  And all sincere, as far as I can tell.  Sincerely misguided, in some cases, but authentic artists.  So they all shared a place in our record crates, and still share a special place in my heart.

The Long Tail

“Life is a tragedy when seen in close-up, but a comedy in long-shot.” – Charlie Chaplin

All in all, somehow, I don’t feel like I missed all that much.

In the music world, I’d still rather have a coffee with a Tim Shepherd than a beer with a Ringo Starr.  And I missed Madonna.  Big deal!  She’s a Marilyn Monroe knockoff.  The next generation got Lady Gaga and then Miley Cyrus.  I get it.  You’re such an empowered woman, literally selling your body for celebrity, and completely unaware of the irony of your existence.  You’re so shocking and revolutionary.  No one else has ever done what you’re doing.  You’re old now and you don’t know it.  Here are the celebrity self-worship awards you’ve begged for.  Now please sit down, shut up, and make room for the next generation of faux-feminist slut.

And as far as movies go, it’s not like I can’t go back and watch the classics.  Truth is, most of them suck.  After reading the incomparable The Right Stuff, I watched Top Gun, which turned out to be a poorly-edited, over-the-top, nuance-free piece of trash.  It might earn a B+ for writing in a third-grade class for slow kids.  Meanwhile, my parents had me watch masterpieces like 12 Angry Men, and It’s a Wonderful Life, which included the nuance of complexity of characters.

Culturally, I mostly missed out on gratuitous nudity and dick jokes.  I don’t know if you’ve seen the internet…those were not fleeting fancies.  Any human can still get their fill for a lifetime, and make it back to civilization by noon.

Those are the things most people feel sorry for my people about, “I can’t believe you missed out on [person/place/thing]!”  But I think the biggest lingering effect has been on our mandated reaction to them.  Guns N Roses weren’t so revolutionary that I’ll never be able to fill the hole of their absence.  But the dangerous part is the tribalism that causes a kid to know what his reaction must be to such a thing; to play out someone else’s ethics so many times, that he can never tell the difference between his own thoughts and his religious authorities’.  That’s a tribalism that’s more life-altering than missing out on MTV.

Don’t get me wrong – tribalists plague every spectrum of the human race.  I didn’t have it worse; I just had it different.  My different looked like certainty, moral superiority, and the knowledge that we are never honest about our contradictions.

“He should be careful. It’s dangerous to be an honest man.”
― Mario Puzo, The Godfather

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